Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
