I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
