you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
