Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
