Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
