He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
