i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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