Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
