About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
