i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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