I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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