My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
