I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
