Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
