I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
