someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
