Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
