I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
