ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
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I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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