Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Please don't give away my fajitas
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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