when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
