chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
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