New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im holly from the hills drunk
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
