remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
