Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
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I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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