My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
