Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
