Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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