She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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