if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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