So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
