I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
All the doctor said was why
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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