Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
