I think I won the penis lottery.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
that is very illegal...i love you.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
