Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
