i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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