Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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