My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
