Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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