Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
