apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
