sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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