As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
