Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
