i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
