Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
