mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
