i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
