I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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