there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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