It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
