3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
They have beer where we have blood.
A+ Viking dick
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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