WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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