After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
