btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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