she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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