I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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