This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
