I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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